I’m sure the Greek gods are gliding softly on their cloud chariots above laughing mightily at my folly. Such a folly I made of my foolish deed. To be candid, maybe it was more than once. On times too many, I lost my one and only, befitting the better half side of my heart, the soul searching after my own.
The single most selfish deed I did that made me loose her forever. Or maybe I just chose to lose her. I mean, she’s still within the limits of my reaching, but she won’t be eternally. But, I remembered, yes, I finally did after years, of how it felt to have her. To have her close enough to make flowers sprout in the creeks of the tomb of a heart- I so had lost calling alive. Yes, she made life shoot from my dead stone cold self. Gently, from those crevices I had lost hope cleaning. And it all came back to me via a dream…
There she was again, after all this time away from each other. How this came to be, I can’t comprehend. I just recall she was next to me. Next to me again, of which I had dreamt in years ere. Where on days, on those majestic castles I built in mid air, she was mine to behold and stare through her eyes. Smell her delicate sweet perfume, glare at her succulent sweet smile and search through her facial features, to see if she could still be mine again.
Tonight, in my dream, she was all mine. Even for a single moment. A single fleeting moment. I knew I was dreaming, such a rare state. To dream, yet understand it so. In light of the fact, still, the weariness of soon to wake up and all your dreams of old opulence be robbed by the light of breaking day.
There she was, swinging her braided hair to her back. This is how I remember conversing to her:
Her: “Brian, don’t tell me with all the beautiful ladies the world has thrown your way, you are still miserable…”
Me: “Yes, they are beautiful alright, for some other hot sensual entanglements… Not emotional reasons though…”
I hadn’t finished explaining what I had to say, then she started laughing. Let me help you understand this for a second.
Her laughter was gold. Gold being spun in air. She always seemed to close her eyes while laughing with ghee. She could half shut those eyes, while her head tilted back an acute angle. Then you could hear it. Those air waves as they passed through her larynx. Compressed to form silent yet thoroughly audible short spasms of joy. I always loved her southern accent. You could hear it, when she spoke, sang, laughed or when she quietly whispered in one’s ear.
Back to the dialogue.
She totally understood my predicament and ironical statement. That is why she laughed so hard! Maybe she was happy that I was miserable, maybe she was just sad for me really or maybe both. Or, maybe, just maybe, and this is the good part; she still wonders too, how great a couple we would have been, if I hadn’t let another person swipe her off her feet at a moment of weakness: but a moment of strategy for him. (Or maybe that’s just my make belief ‘maybe’ scenario. Still, it’s a valid one.)
Her: “You are hysterical Brian, what happened to you? You need to move on, be happy, life is short!”
Indeed I knew that. Life was fastest now, years after I graduated. I had been back to the university for a thesis research paper I had to present with a co-author who needed me to be there. Or else, I swore not to be back at that hole. Where I lost many things I had once so held dear. My liberties, I violated. No one else, yet still, I was contented with that. To understand all that, I’ll need to take you all the way back, maybe I will. But another day.
Me: “Nyathi, I wish it was easy. I wish it was so.”
I said that to her with every hint of a broken heart. Yet, it was my demise that set this center stage.
Then I saw her take a few braids of hair from her back side to the anterior view. She just kept fondling with it until Mikitta came, her friend, who we never got along with at all. That was my cue to leave, and that’s just what I did. Not knowing I was going to wake up from my sweet dream. I wish I could have hold on to her for a little bit longer…
So here I am, writing all this as the rays of sun hit my window panes, yet in pain I sit here and plan my own salvation, from all the sins I sinned to myself and her more so. Redemption must be near, or else I’m doomed to that eternal hell.